About six months after our initial BIG move, we made a small move to an apartment which I affectionately refer to as The Love Shack. New home, new jobs, new commitment to have sex four times a week – we were busy!! It didn’t take long to settle in to the new digs, and I was still pondering THE QUESTION.
What had changed? What the hell was wrong with me?
I was doing some heavy soul-searching. This was important work! I had to be present and really pay attention to my feelings. Then I made an important observation. I had voices in my head!! It seemed that my brain was sabotaging my ability to fully enjoy sex, lovemaking, and displays of affection with Sexy Hubby!! The voices were talking in my subconscious – I wasn’t even aware of them at first! Now that I knew they were there, I listened. Carefully. This is what I heard. You’re not sexy… You’re not doing it right… You’re not sexy… You take too long to cum… You’re not sexy… You’re not sexy… You’re not sexy… Now imagine this loop playing in my head over and over and over as Sexy Hubby was trying to be intimate with me.
Holy crap!! This was certainly not conducive to a healthy sexual relationship!!! If you’ve ever heard that your brain is your most important sex organ, I’m here to tell you that it’s true.
It was difficult for me to share this revelation with Sexy Hubby at first. WHY would it be difficult for me to share this with a man I had been with for 27 years? It was like peeling an onion. The answer to one question would lead to another question.
Risking fear of judgment, I did finally initiate a conversation with Sexy Hubby about all of this. He listened and was 100% supportive of my feelings. The conversation led to a BIG DECISION!
Significant Event Number 3: I was going to be a priority in my own life!!
My self-care and my well-being were going to be my focus – a huge shift from the mothering/nurturing take care of everyone else first mode I was in. I didn’t ask for permission – I made this decision! (This is important.) I will admit that Sexy Hubby’s support of my decision made things much easier.
What did my self-care involve? It’s rocket science baby!! I started with a focus on eating right and exercising. Having been a college athlete, much of my self-esteem had come from being fit and athletic. I got rid of all the processed foods in my cupboards and made life changes regarding diet. Our new home was next to a beautiful gym and we opted for no cable, hence no TV, so that we could afford the monthly gym fee. I wasn’t looking for the quick and easy temporary fix. Nope – this was for the long haul! Sexy Hubby was on board and we made the changes together.
As soon as the routine began, my self-esteem improved. Even though I didn’t have immediate results, I was proud of myself for sticking to my workout schedule, and making the dietary changes. I was smart about setting realistic goals too. I was NOT going to sabotage myself again! I WAS WORTH THE EFFORT!
Although I hadn’t actually determined the reasons for the voices in my head (that will come later), I had at least identified that they were there, and needed to go away!! This started important dialog with Sexy Hubby, and I became less self-conscious about sharing my innermost feelings and insecurities with him.
We were working out together, eating right, and having important meaningful dialog. So guess what? I started to believe that his hard cock was for me! I was not just a convenient vagina sharing his bed. IT WAS ME! I was turning him on! What a revelation!
Sex wasn’t a chore, and there was even starting to be an element of variety! Intimate lovemaking, physical raw fucking, and laughter! Laughing during sex was exhilarating. (Ok – raw fucking was hot too!!) Even the vibrator was getting use, and I was finally having orgasms on a regular basis. Holy shit!! I really didn’t know what I had been missing! At one point, I started to feel guilty that I had waited SOOOOO long to have my epiphany! Sexy Hubby, smart man that he is – nipped that in the bud and did not allow it to become another voice in my head. He let me know in no uncertain terms that THIS… HAD BEEN WELL WORTH THE WAIT!
To be continued…
(Note: This post was first published on September 30, 2012. I have unpublished all posts and am revising them with the benefit of 5 additional years of hindsight.)