Middle aged. Tired. Stressed. Out of Shape. Frumpy. NON SEXUAL.
These are all words that described me 10 years ago. Life was kicking my ass, sleep deprivation was common, and sex was THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND!! It turns out I wasn’t just physically beat. My brain had slipped into a very bad place as well – I was emotionally broken in terms of being able to show real intimacy with the man who was the love of my life, soul mate, and best friend. I believed that the only reason my husband wanted to fuck me was because I was the vagina laying in bed next to him. I didn’t believe that ANYONE thought of me as sexually attractive or appealing. And… sex didn’t feel good! Gotta throw in at this point that Sexy Hubby was also tired, stressed, out of shape, AND, trying to deal with a wife who was pretty shut down in terms of intimacy. He threw himself into work and coaching endeavors and didn’t coax or push.
What changed? How did I change from THAT person to the person I am today? How did I evolve into the uninhibited, comfortable in my own skin, uncensored, no apologies, authentic, version of myself. THIS is the story I want to share.
Forty six years old and I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t know why, only that I was floundering. Something had to change. I had accompanied one of our children on a trip far from home, while Sexy Hubby stayed behind to attend to household matters. Upon arrival, it hit me almost instantly that I needed a BIG change. As soon as we got back, I suggested to him that we pick up and move from the community that had been our home for over 25 years, and my home for just about my whole life. I needed NEW. Sexy Hubby had never been to the new place, and we had very little discussion about it.
Maybe he sensed my desperation. In hindsight I will add that maybe he shared my desperation!
He looked at me and just like that said… OK. It took less than a year to take care of everything, and we were on our way. We didn’t know a single person. Hell! We didn’t even have jobs lined up! That was nine years ago.
We settled into a new routine with the pleasant diversion of NEW. New people, new places, new jobs. The feeling of having a fresh start was both scary and invigorating, but ultimately things still felt off for me. I was still middle-aged, tired, stressed, out of shape, frumpy, and non-sexual. New place, some improvement, but still floundering. What happened next would set all that was to follow into motion.
Significant event Number 1: Dr. Oz
It’s almost cliché. I was watching an episode of Oprah (not something I did often), that featured Dr. Oz discussing Men’s Health. There were all sorts of sub topics to this, but one comment he made stuck in my head. He said that men should have sex at least 200 times a year because doing so was a good indicator of men’s health. The ability to perform would mean that a lot of things were working correctly. I’ve mentioned that we were both out of shape. Sexy Hubby was overweight. His family had a history of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and in the back of my mind I was very concerned. I may not have been able to show intimacy, but I did love Sexy Hubby very much and decided that Dr. Oz was making a lot of sense. When he got home later that evening, I shared what I had heard, told him it made sense to me, and informed him that we would be having sex 200 times a year. I broke that down to 4 times a weekend, and told him I was in. He looked at me somewhat stunned and said… OK!
So there you go! I went from being almost sexless, to committing to having sex 4 times a week – based on the fluke of having seen this Dr. Oz interview on TV. AND, my decision was all about Sexy Hubby’s health, and had NOTHING to do with pleasure.
To be continued…
(Note: This post was first published on September 16th, 2012. I have unpublished all posts and am revising them with the benefit of 5 additional years of hindsight.)