“Do we need to stop by the library today??” “Are you going to read a bit when you get home from work?” “Do you want me to cook dinner tonight, while you read awhile?”
These became common questions that Sexy Hubby asked me regularly. I am a voracious reader and I was getting through about 3 books a week. I’ve mentioned before, I was not raised in a prudish household, and had no moral struggles regarding the idea of HOT sex! I suppose though, that I was somewhat sheltered in my ideas of sexual possibilities, and, had spent years listening to the voices in my head. Reading these books was not only entertaining, but quite educational. I’ve heard people say it is never like that in real life – but I’m here to tell you it most certainly can be!!!
Yet another benefit of my reading was learning to be comfortable with the vocabulary of sex and “dirty talk”.
I can tell you that anytime you are involved in an activity, it’s nice to know the vocabulary that goes with it. Becoming comfortable with the words of sex was empowering. Telling Sexy Hubby, “Fuck me!!! I want to feel your big hard cock slide into my hot wet pussy”, was not something I could have said before reading these books. Sex is a mental and a sensory experience. Listening to your partner speak the words is so erotic and was for me, such a turn on!! Engaging the brain in this manner also served as a great way to help stay in the moment and not have my mind wander.
One of the activities that I paid special attention to while reading, was the giving of blow jobs. This wasn’t something that I did often, and I didn’t really enjoy it when I did. But when I read about blow jobs in my stories, it seemed SOOOOO HOT, and SOOOOO STEAMY, and the woman was powerful!! I thought about it a lot, wondering how I had come to the place of not enjoying giving a blow job?? After much reflection, I figured out that this had to do with two things.
I’ll start with my experience with my first boyfriend. He was a what we thought of as a “bad boy”. Older than me, experienced – you get the idea. I, on the other hand, was most definitely perceived as a “good girl”. I remember people using words like pure and innocent to describe me in high school. The first time I attempted to give him a blow job, he told me that I didn’t have to do that. At the time, it created a HUGE insecurity in me. Had I done something wrong?? Now I see it more that I was his first “good girl”, and maybe he thought that giving a blow job wasn’t something that “good girls” did. He went down on me all the time, and we had great sex, but blow jobs were not part of the play.
The second obstacle was that darn voice in my head! I was tripping over the idea that this was something I SHOULD do, almost out of obligation. Also, I had the idea that if I did do it, I had to keep going until he came. Suffice it to say, the number of blow jobs Sexy Hubby received from me was very very small.
I’m a direct person and was learning to channel this directness into our sexual explorations. So one night, when Sexy Hubby got home from a baseball practice, I told him that after he showered, I wanted him to lay naked on the bed. Once he was there, I told him that I wanted to do a little exploring, and that I needed him to lay there and NOT SAY ANYTHING to me! I climbed up and down his body, kissing and touching everywhere… but there.
Then, I finally settled in between his legs and took his cock in my mouth. I peeked up as I sucked and watched him watch me. And I was feeling it!! The heat, the steam, and the power!! I stopped when I needed to stop, instead of going to the point that my neck and jaw hurt, and it stopped being fun for me. After that, he fucked me for a while, and then finally he finished himself off by hand and came all over me. As we snuggled afterwards I started the important conversation.
Significant Event Number 8: I only do what I want to do!
This is a big one folks!!! I explained to him about the voices in my head and my experience from so long ago. I told him that at this point, I didn’t want him to ask me to do this for him. I would give him a blow job when I felt like it, and it would last as long as I wanted it to. I needed to take any notion of “obligatory wifely duty” out of the equation. I silenced the voice on this matter – a HUGE accomplishment!! Some of you may read this and think I was being a little selfish. But on the contrary, Sexy Hubby was so much more turned on knowing that when I gave him a blow job , I did it for me… because he turned me on so much!
The flip side of the conversation was that I wanted the same in return. I didn’t want him to do things to me out of any sense of obligation. I needed to KNOW… with CERTAINTY… that anything he did was because HE wanted to. This was an extremely important breakthrough in dealing with the voices! And YES!!! I do enjoy giving blow jobs now to Sexy Hubby’s delight!!
Life was unbelievably wonderful!! We were still working out, eating right, and having great sex EVERY DAY. The fact that we were healthier and so much happier was evident to the people around us. How much more fucking awesome could get this get???
To be continued…
(This post was first published October 28, 2012. I have unpublished all posts relating to “the story” and am revising them with the benefit of 5 additional years of hindsight.)