“All he wants is sex.” How many of us have heard this, or thought this, or heaven forbid – really believe this? Generalizing is dangerous!! In ANY context. “All he wants is sex” – is just another of those mixed up, fucked up, truisms that girls are taught at an early age.
Think about it. You’re young and here’s just a sampling of what you’ve been taught:
Girls: If you have sex, you risk getting pregnant or infected with STD’s. Good girls aren’t sexual beings. Good girls wait to have sex. You have sex after you’re married. Monogamy is the only choice. Boys will use you. Suppress your sexuality. All he wants is sex.
Boys: If you have sex, you may get a girl pregnant or be infected with STD’s. Good girls aren’t sexual beings. Good girls wait to have sex. You can have sex with a bad girl, but you marry a good girl. Monogamy is the only choice. Masturbating is a shameful act.
What happens when we’re all grown up? How does that belief system affect our significant relationships? Let me share from my own experiences. If you recall, in my very first blog post I wrote: “I believed that the only reason my husband wanted to fuck me was because I was the vagina laying in bed next to him”. Ouch!! I thought that all he wanted was sex. It didn’t occur to me that this was his way of showing intimacy (as is the case with many men). As an important side note to this topic, I’m sure that from his point of view, I was rejecting his attempts at intimacy. And it wasn’t until about 6 years ago that I figured this out – after 24 years of marriage!!
We see it in the general media, and we see it in porn – a reinforcement that for men who like sex, women are just a means to an end. And that end – is sexual pleasure for the man. Men are selfish pigs! Right?? I can happily report that this is SO NOT TRUE – as a generalization. I’m now one of the 5% – the percentage of the population that practices consensual non-monogamy. In the last five years I have had sex with MANY men. (Sometimes at the same time! 😉 ) The overwhelming majority of men I have had sex with find their pleasure in giving the woman pleasure. This is worth repeating…
The overwhelming majority of men that I have had sex with find their pleasure in giving the woman pleasure.
I first started to figure this out when I came across a men’s survey regarding favorite sex acts. Giving oral ranked just above receiving oral! I was very surprised. But now I can seriously say that my “research” backs up those results! Then there were the men I interacted with when I web-cammed. I can’t tell you how much they enjoyed that I was comfortable with my sexuality. They could compliment me without fear of being thought of as perverts. If a man told me I had a nice ass, I said thank you. If he said he masturbated to my pictures, I said thank you. And I meant it! Often these comments were accompanied with: “I don’t mean to sound crude”, or “I hope I haven’t offended you”, because they were conditioned to expect negative backlash. These comments were given as sincere compliments in a respectful manner – and I took them that way. How many of you have thought – “He’s just complimenting me because he wants to get in my pants.” (aka – all he wants is sex!)
As one of the 5%, my mind works very differently. What about the other 95%?? The rest of the population that is still operating on the paradigm that they learned in junior high and high school? What happens to people my age who are single now? Well – in my humble opinion – lots of miscommunication or non-communication.
I have a few men who follow my blog or facebook page, that I’ve corresponded with – whether via email, comments on a post, or FB comments. There is one in particular that I found so moving that I knew it would eventually be a blog topic. Here is an excerpt from his communication to me:
“I started out reading your blog and Facebook page, and I absolutely love your attitude toward love, sex, and life. You see, I’m just one of those lonely horny guys who’s afraid to get out there and meet somebody. Because the ladies that I have met don’t have your attitude and think all I want is sex! Although I do want sex, and a lot of it, I want much, much, much, more than that.”
He went on to explain the other non-sexual activities that he’d enjoy sharing with someone. And also expanded on his lack of confidence in meeting women because of the “all he wants is sex” attitude that he runs into. The irony is that I’m sure there are just as many lonely women out there as men. And believing sex is just sex and nothing more is sad. There is much to be said for skin to skin contact, and the foreplay and after care that comes with a sexual encounter. It’s an ultimate form of intimacy between people enjoying each other’s company. It’s good for us for crying out loud!!
Let’s go back to my observation regarding men. Many men find their pleasure in giving the woman pleasure. Now let’s rephrase the generalization “All He Wants is Sex” to “All He Wants is to Give Me Pleasure”. That sounds pretty good if you ask me!!
My conclusion is, don’t assume the worst. Give a guy a chance and understand that a healthy sex drive is good, not bad. He is an individual, not a representative of his gender – so don’t prejudge. Yes, there are men out there who are selfish and only concerned for their own gratification. But you know what? There are women like that too! Have a conversation. It’s ok to let a man know what you want.
Finally… Let go of the stereotypes. You may be very pleasantly surprised!!
Rose ♥ ♥ ♥