Sexual Self Realization. It’s something I talk about in several of my blog posts, but really it’s a very BIG concept!! Maybe even too big for this one post – but I’m going to try.
The tagline on my website defines the Exciting Adventures of Sexy Red Rose as an Amazing Journey of Self Discovery and Sexual Awakening. Having lived to tell the tale, I can tell you this is no small thing!! I further go on to explain in blog post #1 – that I went from a middle aged, tired, stressed, frumpy, out of shape, non-sexual women to… an uninhibited, comfortable in my own skin, uncensored, no apologies, version of myself. Holy Moly!! If I could bottle this – I’d be a gazillionaire!! The thing is – I think this journey will be different for different people. That being said, I also think that there are some core components to the journey that will benefit anyone – man or woman.
As with everything that I share – read it, mull it over, take what resonates, and discard the rest.
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” — Unknown
Unschooling is a term I came across when I was educating myself about homeschooling. It’s a very important concept in the quest for Self Realization because we are taught many things that really do NOT resonate with our core selves, and many things that are just plain stupid!! I still vividly remember telling Sexy Hubby that I finally felt like the person I was always supposed to be. It was a HUGE revelation!! People ask me if I reinvented myself, and after some thought, my conclusion is NO. I did not create something that wasn’t there before. What I did, was allow my authentic self to finally shine through. Think of your authentic self as the sun, and all the stuff not serving you as clouds. Just because you can’t see the sun through the clouds doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The trick is to get rid of the clouds. How did I do that?
Your roles do not define you.
Mother, wife, coach, business professional – for many of you, the list is even longer. How many of you changed when you got married, or when you had kids, deciding that I can’t be my old self with this new role? I’m not talking about inappropriate behavior either. I mean, how many of you let these roles be clouds, separate disjointed entities, blocking out your true self? I didn’t even realize that I had done this. I had become a lot of little parts, with no real foundation. How did I end up embracing all of my roles and incorporate them into my authentic self? I started by making myself a priority in my own life!
Be a priority in your own life.
Life was lukewarm. I was asking myself the question, “Is this all there is?” And I finally came to the conclusion that my happiness was on me. I was responsible for the place I was in, and I would be responsible for finding my way to the place where I wanted to be. How did I get to the lukewarm place? Inertia is the best explanation. I bought into ideas that were not in sync with my true self, and drifted to a stagnant cloudy place. The hard part was knowing where I wanted to be. What would make me happy? I didn’t have the answers but one conclusion that I did make was that I needed to make myself a priority in my own life. Unschooling became important because what are we taught? Especially women. We must be selfless! We are supposed to put everybody else’s needs ahead of our own. Our kids, our spouses, our employers. Caring for yourself is selfish.
I call BULLSHIT on this notion!!!!!
When you fly, the stewardess always says to put your own oxygen mask on FIRST – before helping those who will need your assistance. It’s kind of like that. I can assure you that the people I love and support are THRILLED that I have chosen to take care of myself. They don’t feel excluded or neglected. And I am still there for them. The people in your life who would make you feel guilty or ashamed of your quest for self care and self love need to be unschooled and re-educated. If that doesn’t work – refer to “Get Rid of What’s Toxic in Your Life”.
I started off with “Operation Eat Right and Exercise”. My health and fitness became top priority. Next came my sexual reconnection with Sexy Hubby after 25 years of marriage. If you follow the blog, you know the story! 🙂 See “Sex and sexuality below for more info.
Get Rid of What’s Toxic in Your Life
“Toxic: acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous.
Toxic food, toxic people, toxic lifestyle. There are many ways to poison your body, mind, and soul. It’s time to evaluate and get rid of what’s toxic in your life. The toughest one to address is toxic people. Especially if they are important to you! Another tough one is environment. I took extreme measures regarding environment and killed two birds with one stone so to speak. I moved somewhere completely new. I didn’t know a single person, except Sexy Hubby of course. And, I went from a rural/suburban environment to an urban one. That has turned out to be pretty important in my case.
Moving also meant leaving behind toxic relationships. Like the people who badgered me about my decision to homeschool my daughter for one year of high school. Or the family members who made me feel like a fuck up because of a failed business as a result of the 9/11 economic downturn. All you can ask of people is that they respect your right to make your own choices. Or even better yet, support you in your quest for self realization. In my case, once I found myself, and in that process my voice – I spoke with the toxic people who mattered to me and let them know that in order to stay in my life, the minimum I would accept from them was the acknowledgment that I am free to make my own choices. And that they are free to disagree, but not free to judge, demean, or pull me down in any way. As a result, some relationships have been mended, some have ended, and others exist in a very minimalist form.
Sex and Sexuality
Human beings are sexual beings. The conclusion I have come to is that denying or neglecting your sexuality is like cutting off your right leg. It’s a part of you. It needs to be acknowledged and nurtured. It’s a beautiful and wondrous thing – not dirty, shameful, or nasty. Also, in my opinion, as long as your sexual exploration is safe and consensual – anything goes!! In my case, I had already been married for 25 years when all of my changes started. I made a conscious decision to make sex a part of my life again with Sexy Hubby. Interestingly enough, my initial motivation wasn’t about intimacy or pleasure – but that’s where it lead to soon enough. This combined with “Operation Eat Right and Exercise” was making a huge difference for me. My self esteem was rising, and I was a MUCH happier person. But, I still hadn’t reached the place I’m in now. The really comfortable in my own skin place.
Sexual exploration with each other was amazing. Experiencing new relationship energy with a person you have known and been intimate with for 27 years is pretty unbelievable!!! We progressed from very basic vanilla to exploring new positions – using sex toys like vibrators, butt plugs, blind folds, and hand cuffs – and adopting our anytime anywhere rule in the Love Shack. During this time, I worked on quieting the negative voices in my head and also worked on being in the moment. I wanted to wring every bit of pleasure possible from every experience! I was having more and better orgasms than ever before!! It took real work on my part but I was making tremendous progress. Needless to say, Sexy Hubby was pretty excited about my progress too.
Learning about my body and how it worked helped me to accept and love it. Learning to masturbate, and enjoy the experience was big. Finally taking a mirror to get a good look at my own pussy was hugely empowering. Understanding all of the ways that I could feel physical pleasure was a worthy pursuit. Being able to ask for what I wanted, and share my sexual needs was important as well. How could I not have known about this before??
Our exploration moved into the “alternative lifestyle” realm. Let’s call vanilla monogamous the norm – and everything else alternative. Swinging, polyamory, and BDSM would fall into the alternative category. The alternative world can be a slippery slope for couples – especially one that had been vanilla monogamous for so long. I think we have been successful in this part of our journey because of honest communication, respect for each other’s feelings, defined boundaries that are ever evolving – and the fact that we had “repaired” our relationship prior to this. Exploring in the world of alternative lifestyles was an enhancement for our relationship, not a fix.
My first year in this new world was spent learning about ME, and Sexy Hubby too. I had sex with other men, group sex, threesomes involving another man, threesomes involving another woman, determined that I had an exhibitionist side to me, and explored some facets of the BDSM world – I mean things I couldn’t have even imagined before!! Interestingly enough, I have not felt any shame, and I have never felt objectified in any of these scenarios. I explored, figured out what I liked and what I didn’t, and continued to flourish.
Initially I was very self conscious about being naked in front of people. All of my insecurities and low self esteem issues were magnified. But then I figured out that there WERE men who found me sexually appealing. Wow! To go from sincerely believing there was absolutely nothing sexy about me, to this, was heady stuff!! My confidence grew. I discovered I loved dressing provocatively. (Yes, this was totally new for me as well.) The empowerment benefit was kicking in big time. From there, I made big journeys outside my comfort zone, in an effort to face my demons head on. Our clothing optional beach experiences, and my eventual participation in a wet T-shirt contest were the tipping point. I had finally arrived!!! 49 years old at that point, and I could honestly say that I was comfortable in my own skin. Not perfect, but always enough. Perfection is overrated and in reality unattainable.
I no longer talk about the dress I’ll wear if I lose 5 more pounds, or two more inches. I’m 52 years old, and I dance naked in a go-go cage in a club with a couple hundred people in it whenever I get the chance. I do it purely for my benefit. It’s an over the top reminder to not forget what I have learned. I’m living my life NOW!! With the body I have NOW!! I always seek to be the best me I can be while reveling in my perfectly imperfect glory!!!
This acceptance of myself was the final piece of the puzzle. And to find it here was very unexpected indeed!! It turns out that for me, the sex and sexuality component of my journey was ESSENTIAL to get where I am now!
My final thought for you, is to consider whether you’ve acknowledged your sexuality in a way that honors your authentic self. Remember! My story is not a how to manual. It’s meant more as a wake up call, and a reminder to have an open mind. Do your decisions resonate with your core values, or are they in response to the programming you were brought up with? I hope you give this question careful consideration. The pay-off can be enormous!
Carpe Diem!! Rose xoxo